42. My current age.
That just doesn't seem right. I think I'm going through another one of those "I'm still alive. Maybe I should get my life together and plan for more years" phases. Time sure does tick away.
The other day I mentioned I was set up to visit a new primary care physician. This has really been a process for someone like myself. Sometimes I'm convinced it's a miracle I function at all. I was worried about my blood pressure and wanting to join a fitness center that requires blood pressure to be within a certain range in order to join so I had no choice but to find a doctor. Well, I did have a choice: A. Find a doctor, get a note, join the fitness center, eat healthy again, lose weight, find balance and feel less anxious while becoming healthier.
- OR -
B. Forget the whole plan and stay on a path of depression, anxiety and illness.
I deserve an award for choosing "A."
I felt like a doomsday prepper the day of the appointment. I took beet juice a couple days before, started eating bananas again, drank lots of water, cut out coffee. I REALLY love coffee (even decaf).
The morning of the appointment I didn't want to skew the results, so I only drank water, refrained from having that cup of coffee (or three or four), and I did NOT eat the beets and bananas. I did, however, look up an essential oil rollerball recipe (which I'm not sure did anything; I was missing an ingredient). You must know that since cancer, doctor appointments have never been easy for me... so much so that I will simply not go unless someone forces me and nearly drags me out the door (even at age 42). If I'm sick and know I need a prescription, I still won't go unless my husband is available to go with and it's usually in the late evening to urgent care when I can get in immediately- there's less people and it's calm. I've managed to find all the weird ways to avoid triggers for anxiety. I'm in possession of numerous home remedy books and have high speed internet for more. So a doctor is a last resort for me most of the time.
I went to see this new doctor and felt the need to say affirmations on the way. Thankfully, this place is merely minutes from my home. I had no idea what the inside looked like or what the feel of the environment would be. That's a big thing for me. Environment is everything! I did pre-evaluate the exterior of the building before making the decision to book an appointment. Along with affirmations, naturally, I went over every possible scenario of the upcoming visit which included the most likely scenario of it being a regular appointment: a discussion, a plan moving forward then I would go about my day. Other scenarios included (and if you have anxiety about seeing doctors, I'm sure you've already thought of them all here):
1. Blood pressure medication: the side effects of them. Doesn't blood pressure mean it deals with the heart so medication would be heart related. I'm not so comfortable with screwing around with my heart, I'm already down a kidney and part of a leg here... and half a thymus since we're counting. But my heart... that's gotta just be left alone. I'll talk to my heart and we'll figure this out. Then I went into rationale mode: don't be stupid, it's no different than getting an antibiotic for a bacteria or a prescription for anxiety. I know a ton of people on BP medication. Not a big deal. OK. Fine, if she puts me on BP medication then so be it. We'll just get it under control and move on with our LIVING. I'll need to change my eating habits, but I want to do that anyway.
2. I make it past the vitals with the nurse and get into the exam room where I have a sudden panic attack and have to leave? I sometimes need the door open just to know my escape routes. This is crazy. I'm not doing this today. But I know it could happen.
(Insert affirmations between scenarios of absurdity.)
3. What if I don't get to the exam room at all? What if I get in there and my blood pressure is so high that they decide to call an ambulance and send me to the hospital. (This is where all the other scenarios come in to play... I'll just let you in on the worst case one or this entry will take weeks to write.) Here's how this scenario plays out... I walk in, the environment is tight and dark, the front desk greeters are cold and careless, they check me in. I sit down to fill out the 10 pages of medical history that I have PTSD about and never know if I will go into a panic attack when I have to relive it in my mind. Then, as I'm hyperventilating in the waiting room trying to fill out the hard stuff and work through anxiety and flashbacks, the nurse will call me in for vitals at the height of it all. My blood pressure will be so high that she takes it again and again just to make sure then leaves the room, calls the doctor and an ambulance and a team comes in the room to have me lay down and breathe. They hook me up to oxygen or something and some monitors and explain to me that I need to go to the hospital. They ask if there's someone they can call to meet me there. I skip the ambulance ride in my mind because at this point I can't even imagine it and go straight to the intensive care unit (the one where my lung collapsed, of course) and now my brain sounds the fight or flight alarm and my body decides to have another vasovagal episode and I code. Death.
All my worst case scenarios end in death. It's like the seven degrees of Kevin Bacon but it's the Mandyland medical version.
Here's how it really went:
I walked into the very well, naturally lit waiting room with floor to ceiling glass windows. I went straight up to the counter and was greeting by a very friendly, smiling individual who spoke kindly and softly. She had all my insurance information already in the system because, unbeknownst to me, they are affiliated with the hospital where I had my lumpectomy. They had SOME of my medical records already. She gave me three forms to fill out- standard forms. I sat down. I wrote my name and birthday and was called back by the nurse. I will admit that because it was so swift, I did feel rushed and nerves crept up a little, but likely much less than if I had more time in the waiting room. I knew the blood pressure was coming. Two nurses guided me to the room where the standard questions and vitals happened. I didn't have to fill out the forms at all!!! One nurse walked me through it very quickly and typed everything in for me... which by the way, was a HUGE blessing! It prevented me from having flashbacks because I didn't have to write it, it didn't drag on and I had no time between one memory to the next to dwell.
Vitals: I notified the nurse that I have anxiety and told her all about every one of my concerns, especially the one about ending up in the hospital today. I asked her to please just tell me I was going to be ok even if it was high because I'll freak out if she shows concern. BP was high. Twice. She made my laugh. I asked what my BP reading was and she paused and said "you're ok." with a little smirk. I laughed because I knew she was just pleasing me at this point. My eyes popped out of my head and I said, "it was high, wasn't it?!" I asked if she was going to send me to the hospital... she said no, so then I breathed again. Good... hard part done.
The doctor came in right away and was very pleasant, calm and seemed to actually care. She did NOT have a white coat on, thankfully. I don't know if she did that just for me or if she normally does not wear one but it worked. I appreciated it immensely! She was dressed so beautifully that I had something else to focus on other than the doctor's office and being stuck in that little room... her fashion sense. It was so nice to feel like that in a doctor's office. We discussed the basics and have a plan which doesn't even include BP medication because when she took it at the end of the appointment it was completely normal! Go figure.
All done... like a child getting immunizations, honestly. 42.
I headed to the fitness center to join. There were some miscommunications about BP requirements which set me into more anxiety, but it was resolved. I'm looking forward to them calling me for our initial orientation and program assessments so we can start exercising there soon.
This day... it was a day to celebrate. It may seem a bit ridiculous to some that a simple doctor's appointment would cause so much turmoil and stress, but I know I'm not the only one who has this issue. My history will never be erased and I try to manage it every single day.
I saw a meme the other day that read "gain in your 20's, build in your 30's, chill in your 40's." It made me depressed. I did gain in my 20's, then became ill and lost in my 30's, now I'm back to planning (I think that's probably what would have been written for "teens.") in my 40's. So far behind! But, I do enjoy life and hope that I can continue on the path moving forward even if only one baby step at a time.
Each accomplishment is one push further from anxiety.