I had planned to write another portion of my medical history today to help complete the story, but then realizing that I'm the most successful procrastinator on Earth I internally deliberated the importance of getting to my Christmas post now before I miss it. Plus, sometimes when I review too much of my history through cancer, it triggers anxiety which I've been fighting off lately with the added stresses of my life that pile on each year (of which I'm extremely grateful). Just before I opened up to post this, I was browsing Facebook and came across this re-posted by a friend of mine through a Facebook Page called High Anxieties:
Of course, I see this as a literal sign to post something a little lighter in subject tonight because I have just about every symptom on the list there and don't really need to trigger on a full attack just before Christmas. And so, with the rapidly arriving celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ, our savior, I switched course.
This post will be a difficult one for me. I'm not religious. Religion is a man-made business... but I'm not against it either. I love my parents' church friends and they are absolutely huge contributors to my health and well-being through prayer and support. But, I don't necessarily feel as though I fit into one specific religion fully and therefor find myself in a predicament to commit to one church and/or religion over another. I consider myself very spiritual. I believe in God. I believe in Jesus as our savior. I truly feel that my relationship with God is a strong one, through prayer, thought and action. Beyond that, it becomes confusingly complicated for me. I'm by no means a "thumper" of any type and quite frankly don't care for people who push their views upon me. I'd rather do my own homework on my own time and make educated decisions myself rather than as a result of others' opinions. So when I get to the story below, you need to know this about me because this experience I am about to share publicly puts me in a very vulnerable position, one for which others may discredit me, starting with this simple statement: "I experienced personally the healing hands of Jesus." BAM! Hitting like a book across the face. There it is.
Months. This experience with Jesus took me months to talk about. I was so scared that people would think I was reaching for something, anything, to heal or cure me of cancer that if I spoke of this personal experience they would think I was a whack job. I've seen and heard of so many stories of seeing Jesus in food, or clouds or window panes, or so many other ridiculous places and each time those stories caught my interest, I immediately discredited every single one of them with my judgmental, artistic and analytical self. I also did the same with my own personal experience, not wanting to believe it as an experience, but rather a dream. So when I finally started telling the select few people what exactly I had experienced, I made absolute sure that they knew I was open to the possibility of this just being a dream. But at least I had started to share it with others, I suppose. Baby steps. Every time I spoke of it, I felt a rush of energy through my body, the same rush that I felt during the actual encounter. That energy has faded in me over the years. But now that I am dredging it all up again, I can feel it once more. The more I shared this story, the more I began to BELIEVE that it really and truly was not just a dream. Yet, to this day, I falter and often lose my faith and trust when I need it most- scan days and biopsy days.
Meeting Jesus- my simple and short version:
After my hip/femur reconstruction (which I've not yet posted about but will), I was home recovering. I slept with an abductor pillow between my legs while on my back. One night, in the middle of sleep, I awoke. Out of nowhere and for no reason, I opened my eyes as if I knew something was happening, but did not know what. I turned to look at my then-husband who was sound asleep and then I took a peek at my dog laying at our feet who was in dreamland. I was confused because that dog was so in tune... she could sense earthquakes before they hit. Amazing. So when I saw her completely unaware, I decided my feelings must be off and I rested my head back on the pillow, but remained wide awake. I was calm, overly calm for having just woken up in the middle of the night feeling something was going to happen but not knowing what. Then in mid air, a light began to appear. One would normally freak out about this, I would assume. But I was just so inexplicably relaxed. It grew larger and larger and came closer and closer to me. As it floated above me, I knew it was Jesus visiting, even before He took partial form. This light transformed into the SYMBOL of what we know Jesus to be, the images of Him in His human body. Without words, He informed me that indeed it was Him and He is pure light but for my own sake, He was forming into our recognizable icon. I saw this light once before in surgery and now again this night. It's no light we can reproduce here on Earth; it's immensely illuminated and a different kind of light. (I'll share that other experience another time.) His face took form, his shoulders and arms appeared all the way to the very tips of his fingers. His body began to take shape and then faded off into His light. He hovered over my heart with his hands flat and crossed and without a physical touch or a single word spoken, a rush of energy poured through my entire body sourced in the heart. I was being cured of cancer. I knew this was the intent. I was informed, again with no words, that I was "CURED" and would never again need to worry about cancer.
That's a powerful statement. Cured. (Not healed, that's a comparison conversation in itself... being cured is different.) Never again will I need to worry about cancer. Yet, every time I go for scans every 6 months, there's that chance of cancer, isn't there? But there isn't. I AM CURED! Why do I not trust this?
My purpose in life is to make others happy. It is as simple as that. That realization came through Jesus' visit as well. Clearly there's a plan here and I don't know what to make of it, but it sure would make life a lot easier if all I actually did worry about was whether or not I was making others happy. Give happiness to others and live on. Just as quickly as He appeared, He dissolved away into nothing. It didn't take me long to get back to resting in comfortable sleep, but I did find that when I breathed deep through my heart, I could feel the curing, healing energy He gave me, through and through.
In all honesty, I don't believe He had just given it to me then... I know it was there the whole time; He just needed to show me where to find it. We all have these healing powers within us, we just need to locate the source in our hearts to use them... and it's not easy to do if you've never done it before. In fact, it's not easy to keep doing... it's something that needs to be exercised often, like muscles. Now if I could just remember my own words now.
The next day and the days following this experience it was all I could think about. I asked my then-husband, an atheist, if he had seen or heard anything throughout the night, but he had not. That personal visit was specifically and solely for me alone, which I had presumed. Naturally, I began to question this whole ordeal and even partially discredited myself, but I wanted to believe, and so eventually that belief became stronger than the doubt.
Could this be why I am cancer-free today after being given only six months to live 8.5 years ago? I never received treatments, only surgeries. It is unrealistic. And I have more stories from the years past to share that attest to the strength of this belief and encounter.
Jesus saved me.
He saved us all and one by one, He is saving us again... over and over... whether we realize it or not. I am so thankful for Him and while I know I often fail at making others happy, I know I have a desire and will to accomplish this for Him and for everyone else. So this year, my prayer for everyone is to make your Christmas Day the happiest day of this year! It is, after-all, the celebration of the birth of our savior, the Lord, Jesus Christ, who wants us to, simply put: be happy together.
I love you all, thank you for reading. Please share this with everyone and I'd love it if you would leave a comment.