I’m being called to write a book… to write a book? I hate reading… and I don’t write. I know I need to produce this document in an effort to expel my experiences so that someone in this world today eventually finds these words and within them a sense of peace, hope and happiness… somehow. The meaning of this is far beyond my complete comprehension and that is only one reason why this book, or now blog, will be challenging on a monumental level for me. But, I need to write this, and so I will… and thus it goes…
The epiphany of the title came to me one day out of nowhere. Nowhere? Surely somewhere. I haven’t recently been talking about the book; the book I have known I need to write for years now but haven’t done a thing to start it, mostly because I don’t know where or how to start writing a book but partly because I am likely the best candidate to win a “Worldly Procrastinator of the Year” award. So where did this title enter my head from then? I think on it… knowing exactly where it came from but wishing it hadn’t because I hate reading, I don’t write and I have an overly busy life already as it is… ask anyone that knows me… I’m a busybody. “AS IF” I am going to find time to write a book… alongside running a business, supplementing income by selling artwork, being a part time stepmom, managing four dogs, making time to cherish my husband… this all on top of all the little day-to-day tasks that seem to be multiplied in my life. All of which I am GRATEFUL and THANKFUL for and am not mentioning them as negative aspects of my life but rather ALL that I can and am able to take part in… which is a HUGE accomplishment not owed to myself, but given to me… and there it is… the beginning of “Tethered.”
I am... tethered. I feel tethered. I will get into why in future posts and I'm sure I'm not the only one that feels this way, or maybe I am. You'll notice that the website is "tethered.life" and/or "tethered.us" rather than .com or any other option. I like those options particularly because "us" reminds me that I am NOT alone in this and neither are you and "life" is simply so fitting.
I am a cancer _______________. (Insert your own term here because the word “survivor” when put after “cancer” is hard for me to swallow and I know first hand that as a “fighter,” by definition, I wondered if I would ever make it to the grand status of “survivor” which meant opposite would be - gulp - to put it subtly - not a survivor… we all know what this means, but when I was “in it” I was consumed by it… to the point of shock, quite literally. And so, it only makes sense that we are currently all “survivors.” After all, we are all alive and therefor, surviving; are we not? So what word do we use for those of us who have “survived” cancer? I don’t have a word... yet. What’s more important is this: what word do we use for those going through cancer? THEY are the true survivors; they are absolutely surviving cancer! That term has got to go. (Feel free to give me suggestions through my contact page.)
I’m not just any “survivor,” but a living, walking miracle. And if you don’t believe in miracles, keep reading anyway, this is being written specifically for you.
I’m 40 years old as of today’s date. I am “supposed to” have been dead for about 8.5 years now. Yet, here I am… writing out my story and quite alive by all measurements.
This is not meant as a documentation of my experience with cancer but rather a testament to what we are able to endure and how we can move forward… at least a little… a story that hopefully emanates love, hope, faith, happiness and peace for others. I will speak of documentation, but I am mostly hoping that my story, complete with all my feelings and emotions, become truth and evidence for whatever is needed for whomever needs it. I will speak of God and Jesus as our savior. I will speak of my experience that lead to this FIRM belief that He IS our savior. I will speak of my turmoils facing this realization and the hesitation to admit it. I will speak of my hospital experiences, my medical history and the lost memories. I will speak of others I have met through the years, and a little on their experiences. I will speak of theory and hypothesis. I will speak my opinions and make comparisons.
I will put my life on a blank page for everyone to pick apart… in hopes that just ONE will find hope, joy and peace out of my terrifying, life-threatening experiences. Out of everything bad can something good be found, if you seek it. Now if I could just remember that when I go for routine checkups with “scanxiety."
I just finished successful scans and labs with NED (No Evidence of Disease) this past Monday. My next Houston scans are June 6, 2016 with a post lumpectomy mammo scheduled for February some time. I hope you will follow my journey and share with me yours.