Life in short increments. (One more month to live before life completely changes or I get extra time again.) That's where my mind has decided to settle upon once again. It's about one month before my next big scan date and anxiety has begun committee meetings inside of me like a little band of rioters collecting members while creeping around my thoughts. I've been attempting to ignore this for a few days, but today that aggressive little group grew quite a bit bigger, merged with the depression society and found another group: the "F* it" group. Those organizations don't really get along... when you have a "F* it" gang fighting an anxiety and depression troop, it's almost like you have an internal war of feelings happening all at once.
So, we all know what the anxiety group is like... even if you do not experience true anxiety on a personal level, chances are that you know SOMEONE who does or at least you know a little about it. But do you know about the "F* it" group of feelings? The easiest way to describe this would be to compare it to the show "The Big C." The part where the main character goes through this "F* it" phase and does crazy sh*t she would otherwise not do had she not been given a cancer diagnosis. Before this show came out, I didn't even want to see previews of it because I couldn't handle the PTSD flashbacks from all the triggers. After the first season was over, I forced myself to watch it... it was pretty similar to my "F* it" phase. Oh yeah, I had one. It was a good one too... until I realized I was still alive and might actually continue to do so... then the anxiety troop took over to calm us all down just in case we ended up living longer than expected, which is exactly what happened. If I had to choose a side, I would definitively join the "F* it" gang. It's definitely a lot more fun and manageable... but extremely risky. So, currently, I'm hoping that these two internal groups will come to a middle ground of some sort; I think that may be what most would call "normal." I'm not fully sure though, I haven't been normal in over a decade now.
Anyway... I'm going to see a NEW primary care physician in the morning. The only reason I'm doing this is because I unquestionably loathe the fat suit around my body- it's gotta go... and in order to exercise at the fitness center of which I would like to become a member, I'm required to prove my blood pressure is within a certain range or get a doctor's release. I'm not even sure this NEW doctor will give me a release considering this is an initial visit and she has no history with me. I'm quite bitter that I have to see a regular doctor... I'm still completely perplexed on the rationale or lack-thereof which prohibits Naturopathic Doctors from being primary care physicians. I miss my ND in California. I resent that I have to live in the dark ages (or what seems to be the dark ages we call the Midwest after having such an abundance of access to a variety of health options out west). BUT... I want to be very clear on something... I would live ANYWHERE for the family I have!!! I am completely in love with my husband an children and would do ANYTHING for each and every one of them! In addition to that, I am SO BLESSED to live in the neighborhood we settled in, we have THE best, friendliest, almost family-like neighbors and I wouldn't give them up for the world!!! And I genuinely mean that with all my heart. In any case... my current focus is to get this body moving again so I can feel better about myself, and so I can say I'm healthy and actually FEEL it! How does this relate to the anxiety I'm having? Well... simply... my body likes to flip out when that BP cuff goes on. WTF?! Honestly, it's not like it hurts... what is the big deal... I talk to myself and try to calm myself down, I do breathing exercises, I started taking beet juice and diffusing oils, I stopped drinking coffee a day ago (you like that? A whole DAY ago... what an effort... makes me feel like a cheater), I started eating more bananas for the potassium and I googled how to get that bottom number lower (because everything we read on the internet is true and works 100% of the time, right? Ha ha.). Well, at least I can say that I'm going to put forth full effort. The good news is that in the two days I've been recording my blood pressure (probably too many times a day), the top number is ok). But that darn bottom number! I finally got it down to 89 tonight... so I left it at one and done considering that was an accomplishment (or luck... either way, it was good so I'm ending the day on a good note. Usually I suffer through 3-4 takes with 5-10 minutes between then average them all). I just need to be in the 80's to join that fitness center... just in case I don't get that doctor's note (which I still need anyway for history of cancer and an internal prosthetic).
Alright... so it's late, really late... and I'm sitting on the computer contemplating how I'm going to handle tomorrow. I'm going to have to try to find my last blood work up, my scan results and take a whole bunch of stuff in to fill out the thousand page intake form these facilities have now. They said to arrive 15 minutes early, which to a cancer patient usually means 30 because it takes forever to fill out surgeries and medical history. UGH. Wish me luck.