Well, I have successfully completed my first year back as a public teacher after "surviving" cancer. School is officially over for the warm months! One of my most ridiculous fears with taking a job like this lingers on my mind daily... what happens if a panic attack sets in during school hours? Thankfully, I was somehow able to strike a deal with anxiety and we've come to some compromises, but I know that this is not always possible as anxiety is often more stubborn than I (such as with airplanes now- we are still at the discussion table for this issue... back and forth with terms we go until hopefully we reach an agreement with which we can both be content). I am fortunate to occupy the given space at this school because interestingly enough, environment can often be a trigger and this is a particularly good set up for me. This past school year, my mind and body stepped up to the plate with big girl panties on and lived each day one at a time. I did NOT pass out... not once. BONUS! I did not freak out to the point of having to abandon classes mid-day as I thought was possible. I did not hyperventilate too much ("too much" being the key phrase here). I did not space-out to the point where my students thought I was having a stroke or something. I did not have a vasovagal episode during school hours, or at all in fact... BIG BONUS! My students did not ever feel the need to call the nurse or principal due to concern for my health and well-being (or if they did, I didn't know it and it never physically happened). I was able to make it through every meeting without having to get up and walk around to ground myself. I managed to function. Imagine that... just function... what a huge success that can be sometimes.
Yes, these are legitimate concerns. I 100% realize how absurd every single one of them sounds too because I didn't always have these concerns, remember. So if you happen to be laughing at the craziness here rather than relating then you do not suffer from true anxiety and/or panic attacks and therefor, please do not say you do in phrases like "I'm having a panic attack" or "I'm having anxiety." They have become very overused. If you relate to these, then you know what it feels like to worry about the simplest of things that others take for granted- or maybe it's not that they take them for granted, but rather just accomplish without thought... we call those "normal people," right? Because, for some reason, we (anxious people) have decided that we are not normal any more. But that's not really true. We ARE normal... everyone just has a different normal. Along with the term "survivor" I also do not care for the phrase "new normal." How many of you have had to face that term? How did you handle it? It didn't sit well with me and ten years later, sometimes I find myself dwelling on my old normal and missing my former life... but please don't get me wrong, that doesn't mean I do not like my current life. I am immensely appreciative for all that surrounds me and for the individuals whose paths intertwine with the one laid out for me. I have a very different life now after cancer. I don't know that I will ever fully be comfortable again as I once was, but somehow, I seem to manage to SURVIVE and live. I am aware and careful not to create too many similarities in my new life to my old life as I do not want history to repeat itself.
Getting back to summer... now that we have arrived, I know scans are coming. Thankfully, my doctor allowed me to break for 7 months this time rather than 6 so that I could celebrate our family birthdays before heading to Houston and starting the clock again. But, sadly, I was not able to stretch it to 8 months to ensure my participation in the big birthday vacation to Ireland and Scotland for my dad... which will come AFTER scans. My mom is the definition of positive thinking and freely books these trips on the assumption that all will be fine with this next set of scans. I still do not understand how she is able to do this. "WHAT IF?!" If you don't have someone in your life to pull you out of that mind-sucking leach of a "what if" state and force you to accomplish things outside of your comfort level for your own benefit, then I highly recommend finding someone because without my mother, I would be purchasing all the insurances, all the backup options, all the extras that will allow me to cancel last minute without penalties and likely spend more money on those things than if I just have to cancel when the time comes. Planning things is not easy for someone dragging panic around all the time and ironically, planning helps push panic aside.
I am looking forward to that trip and am going to focus on that!
I am looking forward to summer!
I am looking forward to celebrating our birthdays!!!
I am looking forward to each day being more "normal." (...and I hope you are too!)