It's sometimes challenging to remember to keep it positive... especially when in scanxiety mode. This is a rough visit for me. There are numerous variables that have me overthinking everything. I am not sleeping well, I'm off-task with mundane busywork, I'm on-edge... fortunately, I have been accomplishing a great deal of actual work. Bonus! But, on the other hand, breathing is sometimes a chore I have to force myself to do lately. I do often feel like I'm the only one that goes into this mindset before scans or procedures to this extent and wonder how others handle it.
The photo above is what strength looks like. That's our youngest daughter with a broken arm... both bones broken and holding a wobbly arm. Smiling. In the hospital with no pain medication yet, not even a Tylenol. Smiling. SMILING! We can learn so much from kids if we take the time to think about it. I have an album in my phone with favorite photos... mostly so that I have them to look at while they take blood for labs during scan time. They help me remember the feelings of those moments when I see them so that I am not focused on the pain or worry of what's currently happening. This is a "strong" photo, I think.
I try to keep things positive and often feel like a complete failure. Then I feel guilty because there's always someone (if not MANY others) that have it worse than myself. Generally, my life is absolutely abundant! I have endless mounds to be thankful for, especially if we are counting laundry mounds. But does that mean that I should not be feeling any negativity at all? No. I'm human, just like everyone else on this planet. I have the same emotional ups and downs. I struggle with accepting this. I always feel so guilty, which then leads to sadness and sometimes depression. Not deep depression... just far enough to be a little more than sadness. I'm still fully functional, though not to my potential yet. That's an ongoing struggle... will I ever get there? Probably not. But I'll keep trying. Meanwhile, as of today, I have 20 days in which to accomplish any and all lifetime goals because we all know that once scans come, I'll be given information that will be one of three outcomes: an "all clear" with more time, a "you have some spots" which immediately results in scheduling me through short-term investigative procedures followed by an "all clear" with more time -or- followed by a whole new way of life... again. So... 20 days. I'm in the "get your ducks in a row" phase.
I am cleaning my house like a crazy lady, scheduling things far out in advance (which is, if you know me well, something I don't normally do), trying extremely hard to plan for ANYTHING past scan day... the list goes on and on. I'm appreciative for events that are happening BEFORE scans, like our daughter's last school party on Valentine's day. That way, I won't miss it for her. But, I do feel the pressure of that "20 days left" thought. So, I'm going to get back to getting things done because that's what makes me feel just a little better right now.
I hope your day is happy and healthy!